As I was walking down the frozen food section of the grocery store, I noticed fish sticks behind the glass case freezer.
I instantly recalled moments feeding my young and other people’s young, watching tiny fingers grasp fish sticks, carrot sticks, and delighting in the experience of eating.
My heart grew heavy, yet relieved; happy, yet despondent.
Those days are only touchable in memory.
The woman I am now was changed by those moments I took for granted, moments that felt like thankless work: dishes, meals, laundry, bedtime readings….cycles of preparing food and setting the table, moments I felt ill-equipped for the task at hand…
These moments helped me become the woman I am today. The miracle of motherhood shaped my life in ways I have yet to realize.
I said to my husband:
“I wish I could go back to that time as the woman I am now, and soak in the time and appreciate the miracle of motherhood as I do now.”
But I realized that the miracle of motherhood is a paradox. I can’t go back to a continuum of growth. And such growth is what has punctured my heart in such a nostalgic way.